Temptation for women?

The damage pornography does to a relationship and to an individual are well documented. I want to consider here just one of the effects of pornography on a couple and consider a possible problem not identified in most discussions of marriage.

One of the problems of porn is that it presents one partner (usually the man) with an unrealistic view of what to expect in and of a sexual partner. That is, it presents an airbrushed reality with a model who is begging to do things any sane woman would find beneath her dignity. As Simcha Fisher puts it,

If you can summon up a panting beauty just by touching your iPod screen, then why go to the trouble of getting to know an actual woman—learning who she really is, winning her love, and dedicating your life to serving her?

One of the problems of porn is that it presents this unrealistic, unachievable idea of lovemaking that is impossible for the real women in our lives to match. Not would they want to, even if they could. In other words, by covetting something in a woman which my wife cannot give me, I am saying she isn't good enough for me. I have spoken to not a few wives about their feelings on finding their husbands accessing pornography. Among other things, one lasting effect is that the wife will feel inadequate for years afterwards, and deeply hurt that the most intimate gift of herself was not good enough to satisfy her husband.

This aspect of the problem is not restricted to men. I often joke with my wife that some glossy real-estate/gardening/furniture brochures are a form of 'porn' for women. How so? Almost every magazine my wife picks up which portrays an airbrushed furniture setting, perfect IKEA world or a perfectly situated 17 bedroom mansion. All of these things have one thing in common. They are beyond my reach as a provider. They are specifically designed to make people long for and covet things beyond the reach of mere mortals.

Think about it this way ladies. Imagine a man comes home to find their spouse completely enraptured by air-brushed images of a beautiful mansion with perfect furniture and then they look up at him.  He is freshly returned from working his butt off to pay the rent in the small home you share, which desperately needs the attention of a plumber, electrician and several layers of pain just to look moderately presentable before the next time your friends come over. Where does this place him? He looks down at the glossy un-reality you have been feeding your mind with while he was away and he dies a little inside. What hope has he got?

In other words, this form of advertising has a similar effect to at least one of the effects of pornography. It encourages you to covet something unrealistic and it says to your spouse that they are not goo enough to make you happy. Even if you never meant it that way.

I am aware that there are some people who might say "you just need to get over your old fashioned, outdated idea that the man is the provider and work on your goals together." Some similar 'modern' thinkers might also urge my wife to work on being more like a porn star. No dice. Be grateful for what God has given you and do the best you can with that. This is reality, and the only path to real happiness.